Exploring my excitement for a plant-medicine retreat
Over the past four years, I’ve dedicated a significant amount of time to deep self-exploration- even if it has meant sidelining the career path that was set for me (+ a lot of money). What led me to all this? I'd like to say I have a natural tuning to the matters related to subconscious but the fact is a lot of pain left me no choice but to rediscover 'my grounding'.
My inner explorations have spanned various 'methods of getting in touch' - journaling/ creating, breathing exercises + yoga, running/ walking, meditating + consuming wisdom texts ('Waking up' is maybe my all-time favourite app), hanging out with my 2 year old, and 10-day silent retreats to not-so-silent ponderings (just ask my wife 😝) etc.
I do not feel that pain anymore. In fact 'soaking in gratitude' is now my default state. A not so humble brag, I reckon 😌, since most of the credit goes to 'this thing called grace'; but I've also worked really hard on the inside to get out of my own way, without anything to show for on the outside for, seemingly, a long long time (again, ask my wife 🩵).
I have realised progress in this project for me entails to less of 'a doing' than it is 'a residing' (in a specific state of mind). So one does a lot of self-exploration to ultimately think (of oneself) less - and apply more. And that that requires courage.
Yet a part of me wonders if I am escaping reality, or perhaps avoiding to feel certain emotions, or procrastinating artfully, or deviating from my 'dharma' in this life, being naively optimistic, not hustling enough, etc.
Curiosity to unravel my blind spots - what is in the way? what is blocking me? - is the reason numero uno for my draw towards a plant-medicine ceremony - I have read/ listened to anecdotes of those who've earlier partaken in this, including a couple of folks in my inner circle, that makes me believe in the impartiality and sacredness of the endeavour; "it has enough horsepower to bring anyone down from whatever high horses they might be riding".
(Also through my own personal journey, I know that “awe inspiring experiences” work.)
I want to dispel any illusions (or get some validation) about my ‘anchoring’ or any beliefs about this life and my duty towards it.
Second, the ceremony promises an adventure – an exploration into the intricacies of the mind-body in face of an overwhelming stimuli, that too in a vulnerable group setting, excites the inner-exploration-enthusiast part of me. (Maybe I get to talk to my dad who is no more?)
I recognise the gravity of such an intense undertaking. It’s not a frivolous escapade and certainly not for everyone.
In Peterson's words, "there are certain things you touch at your peril, regardless of your intentions. Those things that you touch at your peril, regardless of your intentions, most cultures regard as sacred."
Lastly, and perhaps most sincere, wish from my upcoming encounter with 'the grandmother' - I want to ask seek alignment between my path and a greater divine plan- clearly envisioning what is my expression, what is my nature. Or a refutal - that All of this meaning/ myth making is bullshit. I’ve poured devotion and countless hours into working on myself, and it's gotten a bit boring now (Thank God! 😝). Now, I wish to see my inner abundance reflected externally in every way. Apply, live, and thrive (money wise) in alignment, joy, and connection - along with my fellowship.
Too little to ask?
PS: I love meeting new people. Send me a note for any questions, comments or conversations. Or Just say hello.